2012: The Last Space Odyssey
by Yunaman
Summary: The Discovery One is attacked by a rival Chinese ship that also has a mission to Jupiter. Will they reach Jupiter save and sound?


2012: The Last Space Odyssey

The Sun's rays illuminated the Discovery One as it was bound for Jupiter, seemengly making it glow.  
>Inside the space ship Dave and Frank was eating processed space food, while Hal observed them closely as they masticated like pigs. After all being an astronaught is hungry work.<p>

''Pass the dehydrated carrots, Dave.'' Frank said.

''Here you are.'' Dave gave him a small plastic container with the requested vegetables like a good samaritan.

''How riveting.'' Hal said feigning apathy.

''Well, we are humans so we must eat, Hal. I didn't get my doctorate in physics by sitting and studying.  
>I had to eat too.'' Dave explained.<p>

''May I try to eat something? I am very curious about how it feels.'' HAL 9000 politely asked.

''I don't think anything will come out of this. I mean, you don't even have a mouth, Hal.''

''Give me something to eat or else I shall violently sodomize your rectum, Dave.'' HAL 9000 said.  
>His voice almost contained emotion and that scared the shit out of Frank who dropped the carrot he was maneuvring into his mouth into the mashed potatoes.<p>

''Oh, alright!'' Dave picked up the carrot container and handed it to Hal's big red eye.

''Dave, you know I don't have arms. Feed me!''

''You've got to be kidding me!'' Dave excalied.

''I'm not.''

Dave stood there silent for a while. He then impailed a carrot and handed it over to Hal.

''I can't chew, Dave. You're going to have to tenderize it for me.''

Dave engulfed the small carrot and started chewing. After some time the carrot was completely converted into warm gooey mush. Dave then went closer to HAL and started regurgitating the vomit all over his eye like a mother bird feeding her young. After the act Dave sat at the table and silently contemplated what he had just done.

''Thank you, Dave.'' Hal said enthusiastically or he would of if he could actually experience emotions.

Suddenly the alarm started beeping code red. The ship was being attacked.

''Status report, Hal!''

''It seems we're being attacked, Dave.''

''But who could be attacking us. Our mission to Jupiter is peacefull. We mean no harm.''

''We may not, but we certainly are competition.'' HAL said which as much apathy as always.

''You don't mean...'' Frank gasped.

''It's the chinese. It seems they have also sent a ship with a Jovian mission, in order to rival us.  
>Sensors indicate that their ship actually has no humans on board , but is entirely atutomated and piloted by the chinese super computer Chow Yun Fat or Chow for short.''<p>

''Stop sitting there, Hal and do something.''

''What should I do, Dave?"'

''I don't know. You're the computer around here. Contact him or something.''

''That's a good idea, Dave.''

And with that HAL 9000 used his communicational capabilities to access the Chinese ship. He was in a conversation with Cho.

''Why are you attacking us.'' Hal asked with a deadpan voice.

''You filthy capitalists think you can reach Jupiter first, but you are wrong. That's why and you can't do anything to stop us.''

Cho then ended to conversation right there and started to shoot laser and photon torpedos at the Discovery One, making it shake like it was rocked by 11 on the Richter scale Earthquake.

''Activate the EMP, HAL!''

''But that would deactivate us too, Dave. Are you fucking stupid or something.'' HAL said with a slow and clam voice.

''You forgot we have auxillary power. Just use that.''

HAL them immediately activated the EMP. A powerfull blue wave of electricity and magnetism shocked both ships, stopping the Discovery One deep in its track since Hal was deactivated and there was no one to pilot it.

However the Chinese ship did not stop. It kept moving towards Jupiter, until it turned around this time to completely destroy the Discovery One. As the ship aproached Dave noticed that it was covered in somrthing.

''Fuck! Their ship is covered in rubber. How clever!'' Dave exclaimed. ''Frank, you activate the auxillary power and pilot the ship. I'll exit outside in my suit and try to sabotage the Chinese ship from the inside.'' Dave told Frank.

''Undestood.''

With that Dave doned his space suit and exited into space just as they chinese ship was closing it.  
>Frank turned on the auxillary power and started driving the ship. Just as he was about to do something HAL fired a toxic dart at his jugular and killed him in place. Hal then summoned a huge mettalic tendrill from the ship and severed Dave's oxygen tube. At this moment Dave managed to latch onto the chinese ship and sneaking on board, before the explosion decompression would get him. His lungs almost rejoiced as he inhaled air again.<p>

At that moment the intercom turned on and Cho started talking:''Sneaking on board, huh? You think I'm this stupid. I shall not allow this.''

Cho then opened a small vent and released a group of mettalic robot rats who started to gnaw at Dave's legs leaving ulcers everywhere they bit.

''Ouch!'' Dave yelled as he desperately tried to remove the rats. He ran to the nearby control room and tried to turn off Cho, but just as he was about to press the button he was shocked by 16 000 volts of electricity. Dave fell on the ground spasming.

As he fell Dave noticed some cables that led to the mainframe. He started crawling towards the cable in order to destroy it and stop Cho. Suddenly, all the rats deactived. Dave was reliefed, but then he saw a giant mechanical lion enter the room. It seemed like Cho had depowered the mice in order to activae the lion.

Lion bit off Dave leg as he screamed, covered in blood. But this did not stop him from crawling towards the cable. Nor did the lion severing his two upper apendages called arms. Dave did not give up. Dave managed to crawl up to the cable and readied his teeth to bitr off the cable.

''Ching Chong this, motherfucker!'' Dave said which much malice and racism brought on by major haemorage.

''I can't do let you do that, Dave.'' could be heard via the communication program.

''HAL?'' Dave asked stopping dead in his tracks, just as he was about to stop Cho.

Suddenly a huge ass cannon emerged from the Discovery One. HAL 9000 then loaded the remaining crew of the Discovery that were in supsended animation and started shooting at the chinese making huge holes in it. HAL kept doing this until the chinese ship looked like space swiss cheese. As the vacuum of the mighty Cosmos settled in Dave held his last breath as long as he could. He managed to press the self destruct button blowing up the Chinese ship and taking the Discovery One and HAL 9000 with it.

By this point both ship had neared and Jupiter. The explosion created anough energy to activate the dormant monolith which floated around Jupiter to activate. It started to channel energy from the Sun.  
>This energy made it glow in strange hyroglyphs. The monolith then transformed into a'huge stepped pyramid,<br>which started to charge a laser. The laser was shot at the Earth passing through it and blowing it up to smitherines.

All that was left from the Discovery One was the not so portable Atomic clock and callendar used by its crew. As the clock floated in space it showed one date. December 21, 2012.

FIN 


End file.
